Ye Shall Obtain

Today I am grateful.  I am grateful for Sundays, for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, for the inspired leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for my husband, and for loving Heavenly Father.

We had stake conference last night and this morning in the Rexburg Idaho Married Student 2nd Stake, and what a blessing it has been. Elder Jeffrey D. Erickson was our presiding authority and he taught the congregation wonderful lessons and invited a spirit that touched my heart.

As some people may know, I have been married to my sweetheart now for almost three years.  This upcoming Saturday marks the two year anniversary of losing our first child.  It is a very tender time of year for both of us, but as the female of the group, I tend to be more emotional about it.  This wasn't a quiet loss of a baby, read back further on the blog if you want the whole story, but the pregnancy was ectopic and resulted in major surgery that has changed my life in many ways.  For those who know us well, you know that it is no secret that we have been trying to conceive again since we got the approval from our doctor a few months after the surgery and but have not yet been blessed with a pregnancy.  In the meantime, we keep loving life, loving each other, and most importantly, loving our Heavenly Father and Savior.  People can cast judgement on us for our situation in life, but if they knew the desires of hearts as our Father does, they would be ashamed, for our desires and true and pure.

When people do find out that we have been trying for children and don't have any yet, they tend to start to ask questions, which I am generally happy to answer in reverence.  Throughout the whole process I have felt that the topic of miscarriages and infertility make a majority of people uncomfortable, which is sad to me, because it is an incredible process of pain and healing that all can benefit from, even if they haven't gone through it personally.  So as I said, for those that ask and want to know about it, I am happy to help them learn.

One of the questions I hear most is, "Is it hard being around so many young married couples that are expecting or have children already?"  The answer is yes.  It is hard.  But if life wasn't hard for me, I wouldn't learn and grow.  It is hard for me to hear expecting mothers complain about how uncomfortable they are in their pregnancy, or how their baby was an "accident" or a "whoops".  There is no such thing.  It is hard for me to hear parents whine and complain about sleepless nights from feedings and diaper changing.  I would give anything to have a sweet little baby that needed me in the middle of the night.  I anxiously await the discomforts of pregnancy in order to help our little one grow healthy and strong. I long to raise children that will serve in God's kingdom on this earth and the life after.  Do I think these mothers are bad?  Absolutely not.  I am grateful that they are able to have children without going through what I have, because it is not for the faint of heart.  But it is hard because I have a different perspective a heart that earns for that part of my life to begin.

Another question I hear regularly is, "Why do you think this happening to you?"  That one again has an easy answer, and it is because this is our loving Heavenly Father's plan for us.  If I had things my way in life, I would have two children and perhaps thinking about number three.  But the good news, is the God has a plan for each and every one of His children, and His plan is so much better for us than our own plans could ever be.  I have so much faith and trust in His plan for me that I never let myself ask why.  There are brief seconds where the natural man in me starts to ask why, but the Holy Ghost instantly testifies to me in those moments that I cannot ask "why?", doing so will only tear me apart and put me in a dark place.  I have a few wonderful examples of women in my life that were never able to get pregnant or married too late in life to have children, and they show me by their example, that regardless of why it is happening, it is happening, so trust God's plan and put your shoulder to the wheel and keep serving Him with all of your heart.  So that is what I do, and I am eternally grateful for the strength I derive from their examples.

As far as questions go, there are a few who ask, "What has your doctor said?"  First off, my doctor is simply amazing.  It turned out to be such a blessing that he was the OB on call on the night when I had emergency surgery.  (Bless his wife's heart that he got called in at 4 pm on Valentine's Day and was in surgery for over 4 hours and who knows how much paper work after.)  He is the perfect doctor for a girl like me.  He answers all my questions without making me feel dumb, he is positive and feels optimistic about everything, but still listens to my concerns.  He hasn't been concerned about infertility seeing as how we have been pregnant before, but he did ask for a few tests to be done to be sure that my left fallopian tube was open (as the right one was removed in the surgery).  Sure enough, every thing looks great and we are so grateful for that.

All of this brings me back to the title of this post and the rant about stake conference and the Gospel at the beginning.  Today, as Elder Erickson spoke about increasing our faith in various aspects of life and how it will bless and strengthen our families, I had a strong witness born to me by the Spirit.  Towards the end of his address, as I pondered on what he was saying, the question of "why?"  that I so regularly shun from my thoughts before it seeps in, was answered.  I didn't ask and hadn't necessarily been thinking about the desire that I have to be a mother, but in that moment, it was as plain as day, that the reason why we do not have any children on this earth yet, is because God loves me.  He loves my sweetheart.  And that is why we do not have children yet.  I did not inquire further as to how that makes any sense, because my heart was at peace and had all of the explanation that it needed.  God loves me.  He is aware of me.  He knows my heart and is taking care of me every single day.  He loves me and when the time is right according to His plan, we will be blessed with children.  God's Plan of Salvation is unmistakably tied around the family unit.  He will not strip us of the opportunity to fill the measure of our family unit and hinder our growth within the plan.  Whether in this life or the next, His promises for each of us will be fulfilled, and it will be better than we could ever imagine or plan for ourselves.

The closing hymn was sung as a solo by a sister who used to be in our ward that has an amazing voice.  She sang "I Believe in Christ" (LDS Hymnal #134), which is the hymn that has my favorite line in the whole hymn book and possibly all of music, which is "I believe in Christ, so come what may!"  That lines has given me so much strength through the years and I firmly live by it.  Today as I anticipated hearing those glorious words, I noticed the words that precede it, and it struck my heart as a hope in addition to the answer of "Because God loves me" from a few moments prior.  The line that precedes it says "And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard 'ye shall obtain'. I believe in Christ, so come what may!"

(You'll notice at 2:50 seconds when the words that struck me in stake conference today are being sung, a particularly handsome man in glasses in the bottom of the screen.  What a tender mercy to hear and see my father sing those words to me today!)

I believe in Christ, so come what may.  I have an incredible husband that stands by my side through everything.  I know that God loves me and has a plan for me.  I have complete faith in His plan and trust Him with all of my heart.  I am grateful for the atoning sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ, who not only knows my pains and my heartache, but carries those burdens for me, so that I can enjoy and love every single day of my life.  It is because of that sacrifice that I wake up smiling everyday and ready to take on the challenges that face me.  It is that sacrifice that lets me laugh with my husband daily instead of cry.  It is that sacrifice that fills my heart with joy because I can serve those around me.  It is that sacrifice that helps me prepare myself in all that I do to be the mother of the children that I know I will lovingly hold in my arms one day.  I am grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I know that it is the true church on the earth today.